From: Help Stop
PAS Inc [mailto:admin@helpstoppas.com]
Sent: Wed 5/11/2005 4:06 PM
To: Mathis, Donald E.
Subject: RE: Why We Will Win
Don,
Your rationalizations are pretty much
on the money.
There is a strong correlation between
parental alienation and borderline
personality disorders (BPD) such as
egocentrism, narcissism, and histrionics.
The common theme seems to be a lack
of concern for the emotions of others,
very little empathy, a belief that
the rules of society do not apply
to themselves and severe and sometimes
violent mood swings resulting in rage.
Combine varying degrees of these types
of personality disorders with divorce
and custody issues and you can imagine
the devastating results. Parents who
are unconcerned with the emotional
or mental health of their children,
who rely on their children for emotional
support rather than supporting the
kids, who blame all the problems on
their spouse, and who think they deserve
everything including all of the love
and devotion their children have to
give.
People with BPD's seem like normal,
average people. It is during ties
of emotional distress that these disorders
show through. In divorce it means
doing anything they can including
lying, cheating, or stealing to get
what they think they deserve. I just
posted an article in the "parents
lounge" forum about a woman who
tried to fake the appearance of her
ex husband sexually abusing her daughter
by "rubbing her bottom hard"
and "Stuck her finger in the
child's bottom".
In many cases of severe alienation
there is a history of alienating behavior
before the parents separate. When
dad says, "Here is some candy,
but don't tell mom", or when
mom says, "I'll let you spend
the night at your friends but you
have to tell dad you're doing homework"
it is the start of alienation. This
may be unintentional and the parents
may be totally blind to the influence
this behavior is having on their children,
but when parents actually separate
it becomes much more serious.
It is thought to be much easier to
alienate the parent that moves away
than the one who stays with the children.
The reasoning behind this is that
children already feel somewhat abandoned
by the parent that left. It's not
"Mom left dad", it's "Mom
left us" to the children. This
sensitive period of adjustment for
the children makes it very easy for
adults to manipulate them. It is not
unusual for parents to have a fear
of child abduction during this time,
but when they spread that fear to
their children it becomes a way to
break down the relationship with the
absent parent. Suddenly a parent that
the children have loved and lived
with their entire lives becomes a
threat or someone to fear. Some parents
take it a step further and make an
"abduction" plan with the
kids so in the event that mom or dad
does not bring the children back they
can call 911 or get help. Imagine
how this would make you feel.
Dealing with alienation is difficult
because each person and each child
react differently and must be treated
individually. There are many things
that a target parent can do to make
the situation worse, but only a few
things that can make it better. A
target parent should never try to
say negative things about the other
parent, and getting angry with the
children will only make things worse.
When a child is repeating things that
the alienating parent has said one
of the best things to do is to let
the child know that it is OK for them
to tell you about it and express their
feelings, and that you are sorry that
they have had to hear all of those
bad things. There is no need to address
the allegations or accusations individually
because by not addressing them at
all you are making a statement that
they are false. It should be made
clear that these issues are not for
the children to deal with.
As always, when dealing with PA or
PAS professional help should be sought
out. It is important to find a professional
who has knowledge and understands
the dynamics of PAS and preferably
extensive experience. Receiving treatment
from someone who does not understand
PAS can make the situation even worse.
I hope I have given you some insight.
Let me know if I can be of any more
assistance. We have been getting so
many requests for psychological and
legal referrals it has made it very
time consuming to process all of them.
As always, names and addresses of
professionals you know that have dealt
with PAS to add to our free resource
list are always appreciated.
Kindest Regards,
Judy Jones, Director
Help Stop PAS Inc.
3141 FM 528 Suite 348-155
Friendswood, TX. 77546
409-789-7482
admin@helpstoppas.com
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