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PRAIRIE VOICES: Shared parentingMore and more states tailor their custody laws to recognize that children need both mother, father, Colorado author and psychologist saysBy Dorreen Yellow BirdHerald Staff WriterShirley Thomas, author and clinical psychologist
The American Psychological Association referred the Herald to Thomas
as a specialist in the psychology of custody issues and divorce. The
Herald called the association to talk about those issues in
connection with the North Dakota Shared Parenting Initiative, which
is likely to be on the state ballot in November.
Thomas, who holds a doctoral degree in psychology from the
University of Colorado, directs court-certified divorce education
programs in the Boulder, Colo., area and is the author of three
co-parenting books.
Thomas lives in Longmont, Colo.
In North Dakota, a parenting initiative is likely to go before the voters in November. It is about the custody of children after a divorce. It declares that "absent a finding of parental unfitness, parents retain joint legal and joint physical custody of their children" and that "parents shall develop a joint parenting plan, or if they can not agree to such a plan, the court shall facilitate production of a parenting plan with them."
If the initiative passes, what will be the likely result?
Every state is struggling with the issue of responsibilities
between the parents and how the needs of the children should
be addressed.
You're using the term "shared parenting." That means
parents have an obligation to put their heads together
and develop a plan for how their children are going to
be raised once they no longer have a relationship,
rather than leave that up to the state. Part of the
discussion is the court's responsibilities versus how
much the parents should do themselves.
It sounds like the initiative you're talking about
would require parents to develop their shared
parenting plan. That would not bear on how much time
each parent spends with the children, but would bear
on writing their intentions about much time each one
spends and who would make decisions for the
children.
Every state, including North Dakota, is trying
to turn more responsibility to the parents --
and what they file, they'll be held to.
A majority of parents, in most states,
willingly sit down and write out a parenting
plan. Seventy percent of all parents can and
do that with no problem, but 30 percent of
parents argue and disagree about a parenting
plan. It's this 30 percent that everyone is
worried about. The initiative, therefore, is
telling this 30 percent that they have the
responsibility to work out a parenting plan
for their children.
So, the word "shared" can mean the child
lives in one home 90 percent of the time
or in each home 50 percent of time. The
amount of time the children spend with
each parent is a separate question from
the fact they are making up a parenting
plan and will file it in court.
In default, when parents cannot and
will not, the court then will set up
the parenting plan.
When they use the word "shared"
in any kind of legislation, they
mean that we are working toward
a model in our country where
both parents continue to take
part in children's lives as
opposed to one parent raising
the children with the other
parent "visiting" the children.
I don't know if North Dakota
still uses the term
visitation, but Colorado,
does not use this term. We
used the word "parenting
time." That means parents do
not "visit" their own
children, they "parent"
them, even if they only have
5 percent of the time with
them.
The change we are
undergoing is that
parents are more and
more required to make
their own parenting
plan, and they are
required more and more
to get along with one
another.
When we called the American Psychological Association for information about custody and divorce, they gave us a list of specialists in those subjects, and your name was on the list. Does the association have an official position on shared parenting?
I believe the
association is
neutral. There
has been a
national
movement, and
the national
psychological
association is
on top of it.
They say there
is no inherent
bias in favor of
either parent,
but there always
is discussion
going on as to
what is good for
children. Every
state uses a
"what's best for
the children"
standard.
How would
the North
Dakota
initiative
affect
children?
It would
affect
children
to the
extent
that
parents
are able
to work
out a
parenting
plan.
Even
though
the
parents
are
living
separately,
the
children
still
have
both of
them as
parents.
That is
true
whether
the
parents
are
married
and
living
together
or never
married
and
never
lived
together,
but the
child
knows
and has
a
relationship
with
each
one.
Research
has
found
that
the
most
important
thing
for
children
is
how
the
parents
get
along
with
one
another.
That
is,
in
fact,
more
important
than
how
much
time
is
spent
in
each
home.
It
is
somewhat
unrelated
to
the
matter
of
child
support,
except
that
in
reality,
parents
who
are
left
out
of
the
parenting
plan
tend
not
to
pay
their
child
support
because
feel
they
aren't
involved
in
making
the
parenting
plan.
Research
shows
that,
too.
Some critics say the initiative's supporters simply are trying to get out of paying some child support. Do you think there is any merit in that claim?
It may be that the child support issue is part of why this initiative is being introduced. It balances the amount of payments and the amount of time spent.
As a mental health professional, I usually don't get into the matter of figuring child support. But, in reality, people do tie child support to time spent with the child. There is no way of separating the two in the view of parents who are disgruntled because they are not included in the child's life, yet they have to pay.
It long has been believed that women tend to be better caretakers of children. Does research support that?
No. There is a change going on with the roles of fathers and mothers in our country. There is no proof that women and better caretakers than fathers, especially with the redefinition of the roles in which we have many stay-at-home fathers. Many fathers are at home with infants while mothers go back to their jobs. That is part of the change in roles that happened since the 1960s.
Historically, mothers were assigned most of the early-life caretaking duties of babies and infants. That is an extension of the fact that they bore the children. There was some belief that children were born with relationships to mothers. There may be something to the fact that mothers take naturally to motherhood, while fathers have to be shown how to care for infants.
But what we are finding is that when fathers are involved, they are able to do the early-life caretaking just as well as mothers.
The expectations are different, but they are equally important. So, to carry on with the belief that all early-life caretaking should be done by mothers is old-fashioned thinking and not supported by research.
A woman is important to the growth of a female into puberty. The mother becomes an important teacher and role model for this transition. She can help a sons grow into adulthood, too. Can a father do these as well?
Yes, a father can do these as well. There is a line of thinking that agrees with your statement that a mother can help a daughter. But daughters need to relate to their fathers equally as well in order to learn how to talk to the opposite sex and how to enter into relationships as they grow older.
One of the roles of each parent is to interact with the child of the opposite sex in an appropriate way, so the child is comfortable emerging into adolescence.
As far as feminine hygiene and the puberty changes that the bodies go through, especially with girls, girls do need time with their mothers to learn, confide and be shown how to do things. But they don't need to be in the home full time for that education to take place. In custody situations, they can be told when go to the mother's home. Sensitive fathers also can talk with girls about menstruation.
So, you're saying that the proposal for shared parenting sounds reasonable and could benefit both parents and child?
It sounds like a reasonable proposal to me and is in line with what's happening across our country as far everyone believing and getting on board with the fact that children need both parents.
Any final words?
I would encourage the people in your area to take advantage of parent education programs. Along with the books, there is information out there. It is part of the culture change, and young people should avail themselves to these sources.
I have one small problem with this essay:
Many mothers do NOT "take naturally to motherhood." Many fathers DO take
naturally to parenthood! I've know more than a handful of new moms that have
to be taught how to breastfeed. Some never learn.
Raise your hands: How many of us went with our former wives to child-birth
and parenting classes before our kids were born? Did dads learn more than
moms, or was it about the same?
I dare say most cases of shaken-baby are attributed to mothers. True, mom's
boyfriend comes in a close second. Some people are born with a sense of
rhythm, some with a natural sense of parenting. But such traits are not
specific to race or gender.
Nevertheless, I must applaud the Grand Forks Herald on their objective and
balanced published opinions.
Don, the 14%er
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